“You were completely out of line speaking that way to the client.”
“You were maybe a little over the line when you spoke to that client.”
If you had to deliver this type of critical feedback, which would you prefer to use? If you were on the receiving end, which would you prefer to hear? Which one is the better phrasing?
It depends.
Context Is Everything
Yes, it does depend. It depends on who you are talking to and in what setting. It depends on your personal and professional relationship. It depends on the personality styles and the temperament of those involved. It depends on the relevant history and how frequently or severely the actions in question have been taken.
In their book, No Rules Rules, Reed Hastings and Erin Meyer discuss at length words they categorize as “upgraders and downgraders.” Hastings is the founder of Netflix, and Meyer is an influential business thinker, an author, and a professor at INSEAD. Upgraders are “words preceding or following negative feedback that make it feel stronger, such as absolutely, totally, or strongly.” Downgraders, on the other hand, are “words that soften the criticism, such as kind of, sort of, a little, a bit, maybe, and slightly.”
Be Aware of Possible Interpretations
Attention to these words or terms can be helpful, in part, because they give clues to the receiver about the mental mindset that produced them. There is a responsibility for those who are using them to understand the possible interpretations that might result. Interestingly, Hastings and Meyer explore how the use of these upgraders is more common and accepted in more direct cultures. They use the Netherlands and, to a lesser extent, the United States as examples. Meanwhile, the use of downgraders is more appropriate within less direct cultures like Japan, Singapore, or Brazil. They point out that neither of these tendencies or preferences is universally good or bad. Nor are they saying that both categories of terms HAVE to be used in certain situations. They seem to encourage us to be aware of them and assess the effectiveness of the use of them when we are using them.
It got me thinking about how personality differences, not just culture, could play into our word choice as well.
Personality Styles: The Other Key to Feedback Success
Most personality assessments have a “bucket” for someone who could be identified as leaning toward a “direct and domineering” disposition. If someone were high on this aspect of personality, they appreciate progress and efficiencies. They value direct talk, clear communication, and resolution as quickly as possible.
Within the context of this discussion, that same person would be more likely to use upgraders and less likely to use downgraders. That probably works better when they are interacting with someone who falls in a similar spot on the personality chart. It would be more probable that people who skew dominant might appreciate similar characteristics of speech.
But what happens when this more direct and domineering person needs to deliver negative feedback to someone who is demure and/or deferential?
This type of person might focus on people and their feelings, as opposed to or in addition to the task at hand. They are more likely to use cushioning language or may just never broach sensitive topics, especially in groups. This type of personality would likely use more downgraders and fewer upgraders. Generally, they would also respond better to others who followed a similar pattern.
I think many who have worked in formal people leadership believe in candor and transparent communication. I certainly do. I also believe that people leaders owe their employees direct feedback, both critical and positive, in order to support continuous growth and development. How do we balance these beliefs in the scenario above or when we are working in cultures that default to “downgrading” language (as defined by Hastings and Meyer)?
Four Practical Tactics for Delivering Better Feedback
As someone who is naturally geared toward directness, here are a few tactics that I have found to be effective in coaching clients and in my own experience in formal people leadership:
1. Ask for permission – invite them to dictate the terms of the conversation.
“I have some feedback on some concerns I have regarding your client interaction. Are you open to hearing it? Is now a good time and setting for that discussion?”
2. Remove upgrading words when critiquing or criticizing – there is no need to
exaggerate or “pile on.”
“I think you were completely out of line speaking that way to the client.”
“I think you were out of line speaking that way to the client.”
Upgrading words may be more appropriate when giving praise or recognition, although some limitation of use might remain appropriate.
3. Demonstrate authentic care – lean into their desire for interpersonal connection
“I value our relationship and want you to succeed. In that spirit, I have some feedback for you regarding your client interactions.”
4. Spend time on the why – let them know in what ways sharing this feedback is important.
“I am eager to share some feedback with you. It might be tough to hear, but I am dedicated to helping you grow and develop. I know you can learn from this and excel in future meetings.”
Regardless of your personality style or the tactic you deploy to bridge personality differences, both parties owe each other constructive language and a respectful tone. Beyond that, I believe people leaders have the responsibility to adjust their approach for feedback to meet the needs of the individual.
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