“I can’t believe I am sharing this with you.”
We were about thirty minutes into a sixty-minute coaching session. I had been working with this client for about seven months, which means we had spent almost ten hours together, one on one, in these coaching sessions.
In some ways, Anita (not her real name) was like many female clients I have worked with. She had achieved significant professional success. She led a critical business unit for a large global company. Her team was about 100 people, and she had been exceeding expectations for the past two years. This was largely why she had been selected for coaching; she was an important person to her company’s success.
She was also the primary caregiver at home. Her husband had a similarly high-pressure role and traveled a lot. As much as they tried to divide and conquer at home and with their three children, Anita bore the brunt of the responsibility.
The Weight of Success
She worked long hours and slept very little. And it was taking a toll. She felt like she had no other choice. Taking a step back or moving to a different role was not an option, unless it was a promotion with more pay and more responsibility. She had worked too hard and sacrificed too much to let that happen.
How did she get to this place where she could not be satisfied unless she was constantly striving for more at work?
The Story Behind the Drive
So that’s where we were. Why was she so driven to achieve, even if it meant damage to her mental health and potentially worse?
She began to share. “When I was a teenager, my parents went through an ugly divorce. For them, there was a lot at stake, and they fought as though getting the best of each other was the only successful outcome.”
Sometimes in coaching, you have to go backward in order to go forward. You are forced to see how things from your past are informing or influencing your actions today and your decisions tomorrow.
“Without going into a lot of detail,” she continued, “I tended to side with my mom. My dad had made some bad decisions, and I did not blame my mom for filing for divorce.”
“It got so messy that us kids **had to be called** into court to testify.” She paused and collected herself.
“With me there to witness it, my dad stood up and told the court that I didn’t have any worth and that I would ‘amount to nothing.’” She gestured air quotes through her Zoom camera.
“I knew right then that I would do whatever it took to prove him wrong. I guess I am living that out in the present.” Another pause.
“I know at some level that I will never be able to outrun that criticism. There will always be the next unachieved success. But I will be damned if I let his statement hold an ounce of truth.” I still remember her look of conviction. She meant it.
When the Past Shapes the Present
After a brief pause on my end, I shared, “Thank you for trusting me with that story. It sounds like that incident had a profound effect on you.” She nodded in affirmation.
“It also sounds like it remains present for you today, in some capacity.” Another nod.
“In what situations are these thoughts most likely to come up? What challenges or decisions are most likely to spur a memory of that moment and your thoughts and feelings associated with it?”
We were making the pivot to the current environment, with the past in mind.
Different Stories, Different Motivations
We often face similar stresses in our professional environments. Who can’t relate to the idea of “not having enough hours in the day?” Many of us struggle, at least in seasons, managing our ambitions when they are in conflict with demonstrating productive patience or when we are trying to balance work and home obligations.
But it would be wrong to assume that those common or similar work challenges are rooted in the same reasons and motivations. Different life experiences, our work history, variances in personalities, and core values often explain different sources for our motivations.
I was reminded of these differences shortly after this session. I met with another client the following week who described a similar drive to achieve but for her the motivating factor was accumulating wealth. She had grown up in an abusive and financially insecure household. For her, success equaled money and money equaled stability and control.
Reframing the Narrative
How is your past showing up in your present? What past experiences are you bringing into your work and how are they serving you?
Note: While Anita’s story involved a traumatic childhood event, significant experiences could be more recent and/or they could be strongly positive.
Now that we had an answer to the first question, Anita and I spent the rest of our time together that day exploring the ways in which it was, or was not, benefitting her.
We spent the next three sessions walking through the process of reenvisioning what this could look like for her. She was able to label the feelings that came up for her, identify the circumstances under which they are likely to come up, and determine how to reframe her response to those feelings. She was able to then make decisions that are better aligned to her core values. These decisions were incrementally more in her best interest, as opposed to being made with negative historical thoughts dominating her mindset.
Turning Pain Into Strength
As a result of this work, Anita was able to lean into the strengths derived from her experience as a teen. As an older teen and a young adult, she demonstrated amazing resilience that she brings daily to her work. She also learned how important words can be. She understood fully the impact of hurtful criticism and how long it can stay with someone. Embracing that understanding allows her to be an empathetic leader and peer.
I am sure that Anita will never forget that terrible experience. And she certainly did not lose any of her professional ambition. But she was taking action based on their merit. She was making decisions because they were right for her and for her family.
Your Turn: How Is Your Past Showing Up in Your Present?
I will invite you to explore for yourself:
How is your past showing up in your present? What past experiences are you bringing into your work and how are they serving you?
Explore How Your Story Shapes Your Leadership
If you’re curious about how your past experiences influence your present decisions—and how to bring more clarity and intention to your leadership—let’s connect:
No obligation—just a chance to explore how clarity can be your foundation for better decisions, confident leadership, and thriving teams.
