“Valued” is a really important word to me. In the early days of conceptualizing my book, Valued: The Six Coaching Habits That Turn Subject Matter Experts Into Enthusiastic Talent Developers, various forms of “value” kept coming up for me.
Being valued, feeling valued, being valuable and providing value were deeply embedded in the stories that I was telling in the book and the ones I was creating in the moment in my full-time role and in coaching sessions.
The Threats That Undermine Appreciation
Being and feeling valued is challenged when the environment becomes threatening. A personal dynamic change, a new threat is introduced into the equation, or your perspective of the current situation changes. In her book, Conversational Intelligence, Judith Glaser identifies three “threat questions”:
- Do I need to protect myself?
- Am I being included or excluded?
- Am I being appreciated and valued?
She writes, “…the amygdala releases chemicals designed to protect us from harm, and which activate the ‘flight or fight’ reflex. But those same chemicals prevent the thinking parts of our brain from playing a more active role, with the result that if you feel threatened, you are not going to have a productive meeting.”
As Glaser shares, feeling threatened inhibits our ability to reason or think logically. We cannot formulate creative ideas, and we are less likely to make rational choices.
I have given a lot of thought to people being appreciated and valued. In Valued, I discuss how people are more invested in or dedicated to work tasks when they believe their leader appreciates and values them. It is also true that if someone believes they are valued and appreciated, it is good for their emotional health. When our return on investment is often the driving factor in our decision-making, this is an important assertion. Job effectiveness creates a powerful case for establishing and intentionally maintaining inclusive environments and trusting relationships.
Practical Ways to Show People They’re Valued
I have found a few things helpful when I am making a shared environment more inclusive or building trust well. I found a few things to be true:
Listening more than talking.
This one has been historically difficult for me. It is also potentially the easiest way to demonstrate that you appreciate and value someone else. We have so few outlets for speaking our thoughts out loud and someone really, truly listening. If you allow that to happen, it is such a gift to the person sharing.
Sharing positive thoughts.
Don’t let the compliment or affirmation stay silent! It is rare that a positive thought isn’t received well. I do this best when I account for the other person’s preferences. How public or private do they prefer to be? How detailed would they normally like me to be with praise? How frequently should it be to remain authentic?
Recognizing different versions of great.
There is rarely just one way to achieve something great. We all bring different strengths and preferences to a project, a team, or a role overall. There are many different paths to success and differences in steps can still lead to great outcomes. Leaders lead best when they remember this and help others perform at their highest level as opposed to leading them solely to their version of success.
Conversational Intelligence reminds us that we play an active role in the success of others, whether or not we are aware of it. I am thankful for that reminder.
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